Music in your heart

confusion.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 16:16:55 GMT

My perspective is all out of whack. I'm currently in a war with my mind and it's over my sanity. I can't for the life of me figure out how to view this thing. Part of me is saying, "Just view it as your home away from home; don't try to make it so detached." But then the other side is telling me to get there, get used to it, and get the fuck over it. I think I know this feeling, but, it's never been this severe before. I scare myself. I hear girls giggling outside the hall and I get fucking anxious thinking "Oh shit, should I be with them?" It makes little to no sense. I had a really great day yesterday but the weird is beginning to return to my body. Having absolutely nothing to do in a foreign place rings uncomfortable to me. However, I'm probably just being dramatic. Stranger things have happened! My inferiority complex is also at an all time high...I've never been anywhere with so many talented people in my entire life. I still can't believe I got in. The president of the school, Robert Sirota, actually made a speach during one of the several orientation meetings we had to go to yesterday about that very topic. He regaled us with a story of his freshman orientation at his conservatory and, that the whole time he was shaking in his boots waiting to be discovered as less talented or qualified than another. But then he said something comforting. He said that everyone of us was here for a reason and, that they didn't pick anyone incapable of becoming great. I just can't wait to get truly comfortable so I can stop all of this anxiety driven bullshit.

It's getting better everyday!

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Aug 2006 05:41:47 GMT

Well, orientation is doing its job. I'm far less disoriented than yesterday. I met some rad people, to boot. I've really been enjoying the company of a lot of these people. It's both exhausting and boggling to think that I've been trying to solve all of these puzzle people from around the world. However, it came with a cruise filled with dancing, a good amount of perspiration, and some good Italian food. Outside of that, we started the day off with a great breakfast in the cafeteria followed by hours of introductory and how-to meetings. I've been tied to the hip to this great girl named Kate. Rhyme realized. She's intelligent and I believe she understands my humor, which I've found to be SO important. That's one of the best things I've learned here. If one can't comprehend something as feel good as humor it's hard to build a mutually satisfying relationship. Sure, two people can bond over shared interests or a conversation sparked from a forced compliment, but it usually doesn't work that way for me. Live and let laugh! Kate is not only strong in mind and humor, but in ambition and will as well. She had a senior recital during her last year of high school to raise money for her tuition here at manhattan that her parents didn't have by asking for donations. That's pretty inspiring and it makes me appreciate exactly where I'm at. Also, it had me kicking myself in the ass for not thinking of the brilliant idea myself. Believe me, my family doesn't have money. But alas, I'm here on mine and my mother's accords. Tomorrow I'm pretty much off due to orchestral auditions. I plan on hanging out with some of my classmates, grabbing a bite to eat, and then promptly burning off those hearty bites by walking steadily throughout and getting acclimated to the city. I forgot why I used to write in this thing; now I remember. End of night two!

"The best is yet to come..."

Hard Earth

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Wed, 23 Aug 2006 01:38:50 GMT

A new way of life flashes before my eyes like a newly squeezed lightning bolt from an anxious cloud. So this is it. This is living. I can't really tell if I'm awake; but it seems real enough. Sometimes I don't think I've ever lived but then the cynical little spiders escape from my head and fall to hard earth. Hard earth: that's reality. When all you've been walking on for so long is limping sod, a little hard earth could do one some good. Moving on. Coming to Manhattan School of Music is turning out to be the weirdest, most frightful and supremely exciting experience of my life. I know this may sound lame and atypical, but, I don't feel like I'm at "college". When my loved ones left I felt like a slightly older and wiser but still little boy being abandoned in a larger super-market. This'll take some getting used to, more so than anything before. Do I believe I can do it? I really hope I do. I'm not in the mood for harping on specifics. Moving along. End of first night.

Nice to see you again

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Fri, 04 Aug 2006 23:45:00 GMT

It's been awhile since I've had a coherent livejournal post. And to be frank, this one may be no different. But I'll try! I leave for college in eighteen days and it's freaking me out. I'm having some pretty pessimistic dreams, but I suppose that comes with huge life alterations. All of my financial aid stuff is at long last taken care of. My loans were approved and I'll only be paying back Manhattan School of Music until I'm six feet under; hopefully the learning experience will be worth it! My voice has gotten so much better after my tonsil surgery so I know I will be going to college without any kind of physical limitation.(I guess my fat ass and muscle tension don't count) I've been trying to do lip trills and my zee-zoh warm up excercises everyday and Marissa says she can hear the difference. I'm kind of struggling with the person I want to be as I begin to face this new horizon. I know who I am and I believe it has gotten me far. I fear going to college and falling in with the snobberific classical music folk. The last thing I want to do is recite my performance resume at orientation. I realize that these are figments of my paranoia but alas does not make them stop. However, at the same time, I'm excited as fuck. It's like this crazed mix of exhileration and the unknown. Whatevs, I know I can handle myself well and that I have a fun personality. I'm really going to try to find the balance between work and play that was so askew this year. Really, I went nuts. I was so obsessed with my senior recital and the 5 billion other events I committed myself to that I became numb and detached. Some of it was a shame, but I experienced a lot of growth and got a lot done. Again, I say whatevs- I'll deal! Living away from home will also be pretty sweet. However, with Jim finally moving out I'm kind of leaving at a time where I actually might have been at peace. Oh well! It's going to be relief to not feel uncomfortable in my own living space due to the contstant invasion of those I don't like. (hopefully the same won't be said for my roommate! fingers crossed) Oh no, I'm already sick of writing so this will most likely end soon. Jess has been at prison/the EOP program at Rider University to get some financial aid. I've really missed her and I'm so excited for her and I hope she'll love it at Westminster CC. She's coming home tomorrow and we're going to the beach- yay! This week Meg has been doing some good christian- like work fixing up houses with her church in upstate NY, she's a better girl than I! The band recorded some tracks awhile back that I think came out pretty great, however, not much has happened since. Mike hasn't returned my phone calls in two weeks (read: fucking annoying, although I love him) and the band hasn't done anything consequently. I finally got hold of him on Wednesday night and told him to call me today but alas, no. Whatevs I'm leaving for college in eighteen days and I can't harp on my summer dissapointments, only my feelings for the future! Now on to my work. I've been serving as one of the paid Academy of Visual and Peforming Arts Summer Acadmemy at Red Bank Regional and it's been pretty cool. The kids are neat and really gung ho about doing our summer production of Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. I've consistently loathed waking up at 7:20 in the morning, however. I've also been singing at some churches on Sundays. I was part of the choir at the Trinity Episcopal Church in Red Bank for 3 weekends and will soon be doing some solo stuff there and also solo work at St. Andrew's By The Sea. (no air conditioning=4 people showed up)

I'll post again after my first night in NYC. Wish me luck!

M

what?

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sun, 25 Jun 2006 21:15:45 GMT

college? what's college?

college. it's what i'll be doing starting on august 22nd. manhattan school of music. new york city.

my roommate's name is alejandro and he plays the bassoon. that's crazy!

statement!

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Wed, 01 Feb 2006 03:48:46 GMT

My mother is the greatest woman of all time.

kthx

......

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sat, 21 Jan 2006 15:22:30 GMT

MANHATTAN SCHOOL OF MUSIC INVITED ME TO DO AN AUDITION (!!)

ps- i have a cold + terrible allergies + i'm terribly congested.

kbye

........

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sat, 14 Jan 2006 16:32:42 GMT

monday- nada
tuesday- dress rehearsal for vocal recital
wednesday- no no nanette call backs (sang "i've confessed to the breeze"), all shore scholarship auditions (i didn't win) + rehearsal
thursday- vocal recital
friday- cast list for no no nanette went up, I got Tom- the male lead yay. taylor got lucille + emily whelan got nanette, and joey mccabe got billy. hooray! it's going to be an awesome show (it's also my favorite musical! woot)

good good good times.

mannes college of music in nyc invited me to do an audition, as did peabody conservatory in baltimore. the only school that hasn't confirmed an audition for me is manhattan school of music (eek). hopefully i get something from them soon...

today jess and i will be singing at the middletown library in a concert for the monmouth conservatory.

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!!!

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sun, 04 Dec 2005 15:31:54 GMT

SNOW!

it's glorious

abby horowitz wrote me a 3 page letter. i'm intimidated, but will write her back anyway.

today:
1. go to the gym
2. go to the mall with meg amy and vinay and buy a new winter jacket
3. learn my solo in the sanctus for choir

last night the super bestfriends and i watched moonstruck + half of the wedding planner. guess which one was better?

I <3 WINTER

stole this from colleen <3

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 01 Dec 2005 06:17:28 GMT

[x]Gone to summer camp
[x]Refused to listen to a teacher
[x]Cried in public
[ ] Made a perverted snowman
[ ]Done the splits (assuming this means gymnastics..."the" splits?)
[x]Picked flowers from other people's lawns
[ ]Been grounded
[x]Tripped on your feet
[ ]checked under your bed before going to sleep
[x]played on a sports team
[x]Spent all day on the computer
[ ]Worn black nail polish
[ ] Forgotten a birthday of someone important
[x] Had a conversation with yourself
[x] Fallen asleep at school
[ ]Lied to a doctor
[x]Been to a slumber party
[x]Had a pillow fight
[x]Lied about your age (fake IDs bitch!)
[x]Made fun of someone
[x]Stood up for someone who was being bullied
[ ]Heard people talking badly about you
[x]Been called fat
[ ]Been called anorexic
[ ]Fainted
[x]Worn an article of clothing without realising the tag was still on
[ ]Kicked someone 5 years younger than you
[x]Cursed at a teacher
[x]Cried in front of a teacher
[x]Cursed at a parent
[ ]Done drugs
[x]Had sex
[ ]Called the police
[x]Made a prank call
[x]Stolen something from a store
[ ]Said a racist comment and meant it
[ ]Made yourself throw up
[x]Thought you were going crazy
[ ]Doubted your sexuality
[x]Lied to a teacher
[x]Wished you were dead
[ ]Tried to kill yourself
[x]Given the finger to a complete stranger
[x]Been to a concert
[ ]Hurt an animal on purpose but now i am converted
[ ]Broken something that was special to someone else because you were mad
[x]Cheated on a test
[x]Copied off of someone else's homework
[x]Sworn at a little kid
[ ]Driven while you were drunk
[ ]Been in a car accident
[ ]Spit in someone's food
[ ]Ran away from home
[x]Held a real gun
[x]Wished someone would die
[ ]Been beaten up
[ ]Beat someone else up
[ ]Wished someone would be raped (EEK what the fuck?)
[x]Wondered what the world has come to
[x]Had a crush on a teacher
[x]Ate so much you got sick
[ ]Hurt yourself on purpose
[x]Thrown a glass object so that it broke
[ ]Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend
[x]Kissed someone you hardly knew
[ ]Smoked a cigarette
[ ]Broken a bone
[ ]Bitten someone
[ ]Worn a mini skirt
[x]Made out with someone of the same sex
[ ]Eaten dog/cat food
[x]Stuck gum under a table
[x]Written on a desk at school
[x]Chewed a pencil
[ ]Spit on someone
[ ]Been spit on
[ ]Driven over your lawn
[ ]Told your crush you liked them
[ ]Skipped class
[ ]Written on a cubicle in a public bathroom
[x]Stayed up all night
[x]Eaten a bag of cookies in a day
[x]Been kicked out of a store
[ ]Put dog/cat food in someone's food what is this dog/cat food fetish
[ ]Refused to pay someone back after you promised you would
[x]Read someone else's diary
[x]Sworn at an animal
[x]Tripped in public
[x]Walked into a pole
[x]Walked into a parked car
[x]Found someone much older than you very attractive
[ ]Stapled your finger
[x]Laughed at someone who was seriously hurt
[ ]Found a bug in your cereal
[x]Been so lazy you wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom
[x]Fell off the bed
[x]Peed your pants at school
[x]Watched porn
[x]Almost drowned
[ ]Had a black eye
[x]Went rollerblading and crashed into a bush
[x]Made fun of someone because they were fat
[ ]Snuck out of the house
[x]Dyed your hair
[ ]Cut your own hair
[x]Been stung by a bee/wasp
[x]Climbed on a roof
[ ]Worn gothic make-up
[ ]Had a contact break in your eye
[x]Had food poisoning
[ ]Had heat-stroke
[x]Bought an article of clothing and never wore it
[x]Cut yourself on a blade
[x]Fallen on glass
[ ]Worn an article of clothing that was lime green
[ ]Eaten a bug
[x]Eaten something that fell on the ground
[x]Been to a shrink
[x]Had surgery
[ ]Needed braces
[ ]Worn a bikini
[x]Failed a test
[x]Been teacher's pet
[x]Been teacher's least favorite student
[x]Been afraid of the dark
[x]Seriously thought of hurting someone else
[ ]Had a cavity
[x]Been in love

---

rising stars concert was today at algonquin arts in manasquan...it went really well. i sang "vittoria, mio core" by carissimi. sethe, taylor, chelsea pace, and JW were in it too. everyone was, of course, amazingly gifted and had great performances.

and i just tracked my prescreening cds...they've reached both mannes college of music + manhattan school of music- hooray! i think they came out great, thank god.

tomorrow and friday we have chamber from 3-5:30...and then next friday is the choir concert. i still have to learn the tenor solo in the sanctus...and yes, i am listening to myself on a copy of my prescreening cd. arrogant? probably only a little bit. haha...

i'm on a new scheduele regarding the gym, i go four days a week: s,m,t,w. i didn't go today due to the fact that i was literally falling over from fatigue, although i don't know why it's not like i did a whole lot today. i'll go tomorrow instead.

happy december 1st everyone! i love this season...

etc.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 03 Nov 2005 04:24:46 GMT

Just finished and submitted all of my college applications. I feel clean. Perhaps i'll get out of this slump i've been in now. I've been like a robot for 2 months. Even though all of this application shit is done i still have a lot of work to do.

Choir Shits:
-I'm going to atlantic city with all state choir next weekend and still have to learn some of the music as it has to be memorized.
-I have to memorize the concert choir music including the solo in sanctus and benedictus (which goes up to a b, wtf.)

Vocal Shits:
-I have to pick a date and start some heavy work on my senior recital.
-learn and memorize "when i have sung my songs" for college auditions
-learn and memorize "mandoline" for a test grade in vocal on monday
-record Dies Bildnis ist bezaubernd schön and Vittoria Mio Core for Mannes and Manhattan prescreening CDs on friday (i recorded Widmung, Where'er you Walk, and Au Bord De L'eau last friday- it went well)

also, i plan to lose mad weights this winter. eating disorders are *awesome* (kidding, fool)atkins and south beach are passe. but so is regular diet and excercise...i suppose i'll have to wait for the next gimmick. or perhaps i'll just pop in my darren's dance grooves vhs. (i wish i actually had this)

today i conducted the choir and taught them carol of the bells...it was really irritating.

i'm going to sleep, latuhhhhhh

the good news is in.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sun, 30 Oct 2005 19:06:37 GMT

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	High
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Very High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	High
Dependent Personality Disorder:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

jinkies

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:51:15 GMT

love/

friends, free time, shirley manson

loathe/

all state choir, writing college essays, college applications, school this year, being confused about everything, having the shits

Walk for Leah 2005

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Wed, 17 Aug 2005 18:36:40 GMT

As many of you know, in the spring of 2004 we lost fellow RBR member Leah Acuna. Please join us as we
honor her memory by walking with us at the 2005 Out of the Darkness Walk for Suicide Prevention. The walk
will be on Sunday, September 18th at Buccleuch park in New Brunswick.

We hope to see you there!

Register here:
https://www.kintera.org/faf/reg_new/register.asp?ievent=111068&lis=0&kntae111068=AEA2BBFD55C0487B90F3010D3FB5317C&teamAction=join&jt=976111&teamreg=y

ps- Please spread the word!

pale blue eyes so far away....

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Mon, 01 Aug 2005 21:21:52 GMT

it's official, i'm a neglectful, busy, oaf.

summer has been awesome. the only thing not so awesome about it is that it's half over already. i'm working as a senior counselor at ranney in the summer daycamp, it's fun to work with 4 year olds most of the time- you get to make fun things in art class and color and you have an excuse for doing it all. (i don't encourage my kids to stay in the lines) i've met some really terrific people this summer that will unfortunately also be leaving at the end of the summer. i feel that this job has been adding to my life whereas my old job (prison) the lincroft foodcourt took away from it. or maybe i'm just a nerd with a complex. the band thing is kind of on hold right now due to frustration and other problems. my new thing is to live in the now and try to enjoy it, i know this sounds so generic and lame, but it really holds true that you never know when you're done with life- and it would totally blow to look back when i'm ridiculously famous in some odd years and think 'i really shouldn't have spent all that time worrying, because i'm ridicuously goodlooking."

friday- DRESS UP NIGHT! jess, erin, sam, ryan, ashley, sam (friend from work), keith (ditto), and myself went to the cheesecake factory near the menlo mall in fancy outfits and spent entirely too much money on good tasting food in celebration of our second paycheck. the boston creme cheesecake was semi- dissapointing at near 7 dollars a slice. my meal was ace, though. afterwards: skinny dipping in amy's pool. erin, jess, sam, and keith slept over my house.

saturday- dropped jess + erin off at their respective houses in the morning and then went to therapy. hung out the whole day and caught up on sleep. had a pregnant lady type craving for wendy's after waking up so i took care of that and dragged vinay along with me. afterwards we went to ashley's house and watched some of 'saved'. good flick.

sunday- went to the sidewalk sale a little too late with ryan ashley and jess, it was closed. had some good carrot cake + a chocolate milkshake at the diner...then we went swimming in ashley's pool and watched saved again. clothes were worn par ashley's request.

did i mention i got my liscence and a car? because i did.

[edit] i just found out my voice teacher (mr. mulzer of the monmouth music conservatory) died on saturday. i was probably one of his last students. this sucks. :( he had such an invested interest in me and i'm forever in his debt. he will be sorely missed...

a statement made by my mother's bum boyfriend....

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 02 Jun 2005 00:44:38 GMT

"agatha christie soothes my soul."

what?

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Tue, 17 May 2005 04:07:36 GMT

you're so conveniently good looking.

---

bitch, you like pringles. once you pop- you can't stop.

tired...

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Tue, 15 Mar 2005 23:49:12 GMT

i'm feeling guilty, but i'm also feeling exhausted.

quick update:

just came home from a long ass day...school, europe meeting, play practice..

we're leaving for europe in 9 days. do you hear me? HOLY SHIT.

sleepy time now.

check out the new layout and icon (icon by julio, features new garbage lyrics)...

darkblue940

i had to think for this one.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Tue, 08 Mar 2005 01:24:14 GMT

Describe yourself using one band and song titles from that band
Created by naw5689 and taken 21056 times on bzoink!
Choose a band/artist and answer only in song TITLES by that band:	garbage
Are you male or female:	stupid...boy.
Describe yourself:	so like a rose
How do some people feel about you:	cherry lips
How do you feel about yourself:	dumb
Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend:	shut your mouth
Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend:	not my idea
Describe where you want to be:	sleep together
Describe what you want to be:	when i grow up
Describe how you live:	parade
Describe how you love:	wicked ways
Share a few words of wisdom	the trick is to keep breathing
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

so i just returned from best buy with amy, who tomorrow is leaving for hawaii ( LUCKY. ). but it's all good because in 17 days i will be leaving for hawaii on my 17th birthday. (weird!) at best buy i was looking at digital cameras because i want one, badly. they're nifty but frickin' expensive. tomorrow we have school + the last day of hspas (thank goddd.) i'm gonna go start memorizing my lines for the play now...and that concludes another seemingly pointless livejournal entry from matt krenz. woot.

....

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Mon, 07 Mar 2005 06:28:01 GMT

Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you"
Birds singin' in the sycamore tree
Dream a little dream of me

Say nighty-night and kiss me
Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me
While I'm alone and blue as can be
Dream a little dream of me

Stars fading but I linger on dear
Still craving your kiss
I'm longing to linger till dawn dear
Just saying this

Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you
Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you
But in your dreams whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me

snow day.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Tue, 01 Mar 2005 18:01:22 GMT

snow day. boring, but grateful.

What kind of jewel are you?

Diamond

Your beauty is both breathtaking and stunning. Your friends could see you everyday and still be enchanted.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

i'm a GIRL'S BESTFRIEND!

ps- i'm seeing garbage not once now in april, but twice. they announced more dates and they're playing hammerstein ballroom (best venue, fucking ever) in NYC and i'm so going. i have to go to the city alone, and i'm scurred. any takers for NYC at 7 AM?

yay

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 24 Feb 2005 14:06:57 GMT

you have purchased 2 tickets to:

Garbage 4/16/05 7:00 PM Theatre of the Living Arts - Philadelphia, PA

haha so i'm taking a cab and going into school super late because i had to order garbage tickets. and i got them! wooooo

:DDD

oh shit my cab's here. haha esca-laters.

ps- check the layout darkblue940

lately, i'm not only one, i say never trust anyone....

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Fri, 11 Feb 2005 02:19:36 GMT

i've been trying really hard not to become bitter. it's turning into quite the endeavor though because people have been sucking a LOT. things with the band= not so great. i've been producing more material than ever, but alas, a full band we still have not. fucking working on it.

anywho, let's smile and look at pretty pictures.

erin and jessy singing the oh-so-appropriate chamber choir blues

i know a lot of you have been losing sleep wondering what the carpet in the new vocal room looks like, so here it is:

me in detention being NAUGHTY using my camera phone. oh yes, i went there. anywho, i have a 3 hour next thursday because i came in late after 7:50 one day/miss butler is a wench.

all state opera auditions are tomorrow and thank god i had a good session today with felix because my voice is feeling better ten fold. later days.

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 Jan 2005 18:59:32 GMT

no fucking respect.

super lovers....tell me where you got yours...

darkblue940940@yahoo.com — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 04:27:46 GMT

staying home from school due to sickness= inevitable boredom. the cure? SUPERMODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR!

haha just kidding. no, really.

random hotness:

esca-laters.